a word that was omitted from her dictionary
years before she could know the words that made it up
that’s true and us.Its a truth between two people,
us that is safe because truth was safe and i wasn’t.
At least not in my own home.
My love language is touch,
and i assumed that the way he touched my toddler body was a sign of love.
He started with a tickle
and then why wont you sit on my lap,
before i had a chance to say no,
I’m lifted to his thighs with a hill raising up that pressed upon my back
and i never even understood what that was because i knew down there had no big bump,
i didn’t even know the difference of boys and girls
except that they were dirty and girls were clean.
I thought he loved me when he insisted on going shopping with me
then he’d feel on my legs and rummage through it as though searching for the key to his insecurities.
I thought he loved me when he came to my room at 7years old to sing me a lullaby
as he patted the undeveloped yet chest area
and many times spooned behind me to give me warmth on a cold night.
I thought it was a fathers love when at 12 years old he stayed home with me when i was sick
and fed me with soup and went ahead to try feed me his flesh.
He said it would make me better and that i shouldn’t tell mum
like he always said but i was too shaken to heed it,
i was too naive to question it,
too clean minded to not see rape even when it was staring me right in the eye.
Class 6 i learned reproduction and sexual organs and found out
that the songs we sung at singing games in nursery and class 1 saying,
“these are my private parts private parts private parts,
these are my private parts and nobody should touch them”
now it all made sense,
this man was touching me how he should only touch my mum,and i was too young for this.
I call mum,
i tell her,
she gets mad
and hates me,
she tells me,
I’m the reason he is never in bed with her,
she tells me I am the problem in the family,
she calls me jezebel and seducer and all types of prestigious insults
then packs her bags and leaves me with the one who was my abuser…
You’d think one who carried you for 9months would care enough to feel your pain
but she just saw my beauty and wondered if he preferred me to her…
she didn’t see abuse,she saw competition.mama!!really?
You might as well have aborted me that day you realized you were expectant with a baby of a man who didn’t expect to make you his wife.
This isn’t my personal story,I speak for the voiceless.
Watch out for part 2.